To: Messrs Scuffle and Dustcough, Esq., Attorneys at Law
It is my unpleasant duty to remind you of the obligations attendant upon you.
As you are aware, I have retained your firm on a permanent basis in order to take immediate legal action in all cases including, but not limited to, copyright, patent, property infringement, barratry, soccage-in-fief, liability, damages, etc. Until recently, I have had little cause to regret this arrangement.
I have become aware, however, that my name, and that of my family, has become tarnished in various print media in international markets. I believe this is colloquially termed the “multiverse.” I read, for example, in the Roman press, with some surprise, that I have contracted a matrimonial alliance with a lady supposedly nearly related to me. My brother Lytton informed me, in great distress, that a person greatly resembling me, and purporting to be me, was featured in a lengthy television program originating in Terra Lostundo, a soi-disant “reality series” of the “bachelor challenge” variety. If I understood him correctly through his severe stammer, he was extremely concerned that I had “lost.” I have been reported to be in various romantic entanglements and even in a number of institutions for the restoration of the mental faculties. I scarcely wish to acknowledge the scandalous material in circulation about my grandson Maximilian.
Bluntly put, this nuisance must cease. If I do not make my movements publicly known, you can be certain that in no way do I acknowledge them to have taken place or not to have taken place or that the person assuming my identity is not connected, or unconnected, to me at any time or, of course, the reverse. I must insist on the scrupulous defense of my good name and that of my family by means of aggressive lawsuits.
It is scarcely unreasonable to have higher expectations of one’s legal advisors in return for a monthly retainer that is, on reflection, exorbitant. I trust I will not find it necessary to put my affairs in other hands.
I am, respectfully, etc.,